Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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