No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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