Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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