I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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