I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
