He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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