Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
