soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
