We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
