im six kinds of drunk right now
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You can't just leave with hair like that
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
