I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Randomize
