No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
