yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
