What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
