Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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