If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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