Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
they're like a gay fantastic four
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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