Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
