i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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