he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You made out with two different species that night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
