My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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