Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
