My balls are so social today.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
