so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
