Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
