Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
