he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
