tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
