i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
