I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
