Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
