I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
