i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
