It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
