my vag is so smooth its legendary
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
