im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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