At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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