My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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