I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
