I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I puked a lego.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
is wine microwaveable?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
