dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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