T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
