Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
