My nipple is on Facebook.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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