so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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