I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
