you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
