So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
