I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
