More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
