there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
